Volcano Tattoos

I need to go to the booze shop (which in Sweden is a major planning operation) but it's raining so I'm looking  at crap on the internet. One thing I really love are really large, really realistic tattoo like when people get a photo of their dog tattooed on their chest, excluding all the other issues with this, surely your dog would find it pretty scary. But I have actually recently seen a photograph of a tattoo better than a dog's face (I know hard to imagine) but brace yourself







you better be bracing

What a beautiful sentiment. On every level this is so weird. here are some more.

But seeing this has made me realise that there literally has to be some people with really amazing volcano tattoos. If people want dog's faces, Pat Butcher or all that other weird shit there must be people with volcano tattoos. Because, lets face it volcano people are weird, I should know. As always Google did not disappoint me.

These three of my faves but there are a lot lot more and I suppose if you want to get a tattoo of something, then a volcano is as good as anything. But even as much as I love volcanoes I still don't want one permanently etched into my skin, this probably has more to do my views on tattoos than volcanoes. I can't ever imagine wanting anything permanently etched onto my skin, I can't even wear earrings for an entire evening, maybe this would be different if I had volcano earrings.   

I'm in a interview (where I get called a genius)

which is very exciting especially as there is nothing that makes you sound cooler than saying 'I've just moved to Sweden' well it either makes you sound cool or like a complete dick. I'm probably only a minor dick. But anyway when the shop is up and running there will be some volcano club zines sold, the one I did ages ago, with the free poster. It's an online shop called DEREKS which will sell other cool stuff. I am still planning to make another zine soon but stuff keeps distracting me which is the nature of volcanoes really (not that they get distracted, that they are unpredictable apart from really dormant or really active ones). I wish I had time to write a better post maybe even one about volcanoes but I have to write about spruce silviculture instead.

Here is the interview

here is said map that is free with said zine issue that is being sold at said shop. (said has now lost all meaning)

Celebrity Volcanoes

So apparently Katy Perry has climbed a volcano which in itself is quite dull news, mainly as it's about K Pezza, who lets face it is pretty dull. Also a moron as she doesn't even say which volcano she has climbed thinking that she is more interesting than volcanoes. Very few people are more interesting than volcanoes, actually I can't think of a single person but interest is quite hard to quantify so maybe some people don't find volcanoes interesting, but they would be mental. But this fact about Katy got me wondering if there were any other celebrities who were into volcanoes. The first thing I found was an article about throwing Chris Brown into a volcano which would obviously ruin an otherwise good volcano. So far I'm really not enjoying the mix of douches and volcanoes, imagine douching a volcano that would be really gross. But have actually found the celebrity volcano post that I have been looking for which is about a celebrity volcano poetry slam which in my mind definitely happened. I think it was an Eyjafjallajoekull response thing, the poems are about the same quality as my volcano poetry, maybe I'll write some more soon. Sting is a massive twat.

It's really hard to find good celebrity volcano pictures

I'll write a better post soon, maybe some volcano poetry or maybe about the volcano in Guatemala that has erupted as that would actually be volcano news. Or maybe I'll find something volcanic in Sweden but that seems quite unlikely it's a pretty unvolcanic place. 

Volcano of the Week #25 - Kilauea

I haven't done any blogging in a long time, because of the Olympics and moving to another country and stuff but mainly the Olympics- it's more important as it only happens every four years, I move all the time. As I haven't seen anything volcanic recently that I can write about I thought I'd do a volcano of the week. Kilauea is probably the most obvious volcano that's never featured, probably because I have so much trouble spelling it which is because I'm never allowed to play Hawaiian Scrabble. The volcano is one of the five shield volcanoes that make up Hawaii's big island and is characterised by continuous, slow eruptions - this one has been going on since 1983.

Compared to the other Hawaiian volcanoes Kilauea is fairly young being between 300,000 and 600,000 years old, the oldest Hawaiian volcano Kohala is over 1 million. The Hawaiian hotspot differs from other volcanoes as most volcanoes are caused by a meeting of plates creating a ridge in which the pressure of magma creates the volcano. The Hawaiian hotspot is right in the middle of a tectonic plate and is an incredibly hot patch of magma that seeps through a gap in the plate, the volcanoes that form here do so underwater and grow from the slow eruptions and cooling of magma. The only quiet period the volcano has had in recent  times was from 1934 to 1952 when the volcano didn't erupt at all, the first recorded eruption was in 1820, since then the volcano loads with a massive output, a bit like Prince (sorry I'm listening to a Prince documentary so forgive me if I go astray, hahahahaha).

Kilauea is the thought to be the body of Pele, the Hawaiian volcano goddess not the Brazilian footballer although they are pretty similar. Pele the goddess was a bit of a bitch (I think the other one was quite nice), one legend is that there was a young couple Ohi'a and Lehua who were deeply in love and Ohi'a built them a home in the forest. One day Pele was walking nearby and saw Ohi'a and thought he looked pretty hot however Ohi'a rejected Pele's advances. Lehua brought out a meal to Ohi'a (I love the rigid gender roles in this story), Pele went really mental when she saw Lehua and Ohi'a together as they looked so happy. Pele returned to her goddess form and turned Ohi'a into an ugly tree, Lehua was so upset and begged Pele to either turn her into a tree or Ohi'a back into a man which Pele refused, however some other gods took pity on Lehua and turned her into a flower to go on the tree so they could be together forever. But Pele was probably right as the couple's love seemed to be based mainly on physical attractiveness so they probably would have got bored of each other and Ohi'a would spend all day at work while Lehua would be bored and stuck inside all the time - so at least they avoided all that. So basically Pele gets really angry which she expresses as lava output, this means she's been really angry since 1983, it was probably Thatcher's re-election and the introduction of the McNugget, who wouldn't be angry in that sort of world.

Volcano Live - it's a bit annoying.

Things are getting a bit difficult as now whenever I turn on the TV there seems to be something on about volcanoes, so if everyone else starts liking volcanoes I might have to stop (probably not really though). I hate it when this happens here are some other occasions where it has; Andy Murray, peplums, actually I can't think of any more but there are loads. Apparently this has been on  and is quite good. I would watch it now but as I speak there is some sun so should probably enjoy that outside. 

How football tournaments should be judged

Because my life has pretty much been taken over by the Euros (the football tournament not the currency) I haven't posted on here in a while but I have managed to find a way to combine them = YAY VOLCANOES AND FOOTBALL TOURNAMENTS! Basically this is going to imagine if the teams still left in the competition were judged for their volcanoes not their footballing ability. Countries will then be given a VFI (Volcanic Footballing Index) and the higher index will win the round.

 


First up, Czech Republic v Portugal

Czech Republic, the only instance of volcanoes in the country (only mention in Wikipedia) is Trosky castle which is built on a volcanic plug, which are remnants of the magma chamber. The football team aren't too exciting either. VFI = 2/10
Portugal - the mainland has no active volcanoes but the islands of Azores and Madeira have many active and extinct volcanoes. Madeira also has amazing plant life partly due to the volcanic soil and it's where Christiano is from and he's pretty eruptive. VFI = 6/10
Portugal wins!

 




Tomorrow Greece v Germany
Greece has 6 volcanoes, which are all on the islands, the best is Santorini which possibly wiped out the Minoan civilisation. I think the unpredictability of the team also adds to their VFI and the fact they have the ability to upset THE WHOLE FOOTBALLING WORLD. VFI = 7/10
Germany only has one incident of volcanism, which is the West Eifel Volcanic Field, a 600 sq km area in the Rhineland containing small extinct stratovolcanoes, but it's not very impressive and hasn't erupted since the Holocene era. Germany also has quite an organised footballing style which is not very volcanic. VFI = 3/10
Greece wins!

 

Saturday Spain v France
Spain there are a couple of volcanic fields in the Pyrenees which like Germany's have been extinct for ages. The Canary Islands like Madiera are volcanic, the most notable volcano being Teide on Tenerife. But I don't call passing the ball very accurately a million times very volcanic so some minus points. VFI = 5/10
France again has a mainland volcanic field that has long been inactive. But France still has loads of overseas territories (which is a bit weird) and Gualdeloupe, Reunion and Martinique all have active volcanoes. The team are bit too structured to be volcanic. VFI = 5/10
Spain win on Penalties.

 


Sunday ENGLAND v Italy
England, now if we're looking at England as opposed to the UK then England are crap as Scotland and Wales has some volcanic landscape and like France the UK has some volcanic overseas territories but I can't include those. So all we've got is the Scafells (remnants of a supervolcano) and Wayne Rooney's eruption of hair. VFI = 1/10
Italy - Vesuvius, Etna and Stromboli, Italy is pretty much the king of volcanoes and Balotelli could erupt at any moment. VFI = 9/10
Italy win, conclusively (sorry)


Semi Final 1, Greece v Italy
This will a be crazy game with lava flowing everywhere but in the end Italy are unbeatable.

Semi Final 2, Portugal v Spain
In this Iberian derby (I bet 20mill that a commentator will say that) Portugal just get ahead, goal from Christino. 

FINAL Italy v Portugal
Despite Mario Balotelli getting sent off Italy prove to be unbeatable and take the trophy home.

ITALY WIN! (This picture isn't in Italy)

Now I have to go and get changed into my Christano Ronaldo shirt which will definitely please my blog editor. Also it's a shame Russia are out as they would given Italy a run for their money.

Spacano

When I was in the shop Lush the other day I noticed a product called Volcano, obviously after I had sneezed repeatedly from the assault to my senses (I do love lush but it smells a lot). I would have bought the product but I didn't bother as I saw it was for feet and I don't like to care for my feet in anyway, as I see my hard and cracked skin as a mark of honour, also rubbing away the dead skin gets rid of the goodness. But it did remind me of the many volcanic spas around the world which look pretty fucking cool.

There is this luxury one in Costa Rica powered by the Arenal volcano

Or if you just fancy splashing about in mud there's the island of Vulcano in Italy. This picture reminds me of walking out to the sea at WSM at low tide, although I'm sure that mud has a more sewage-like quality than the purifying mud of volcanoes.

There is also a mud bath crater at the Sea of Azov which might just be my new fave place in the world, it's located just north of the Black Sea and linked by the Kerch straight, which can be seen in the top picture (Black Sea bottom, Sea of Azov top). It also separates Russia and Ukraine and is the worlds shallowest sea, average depth 7m. The Tamansky Peninsula, which is on the Russian side of the Kerch straight, google maps obviously shows this better, has around 25 mud volcanoes causing the lovely mud baths. I saw a great picture of people bathing here in the volcano book, which I haven't read yet as I've just read a book about the Manson Family which was FUCKING NUTS, I also read a book set by the black sea where someone worked in a bathing house- I'm mentioning that to prove people who live round the black sea like bathing. Hope you enjoyed that brief summary of everything I've read and haven't read in the past month.

Sadly I didn't quite manage to proof read before Greece-Czech Republic kick off, I'm not sure whether proof reading or watching sport is more important in my blog editor's (who also happens to be my mother) world.